Funnily Asked Questions

  1. Why do you charge for coins? This is highway robbery!!!
    We're also consumers and understand the desire for free stuff. Unfortunately, software requires time and capital, and we cannot justify development without revenue. If people pay $10 for several hours at the movies or $3 for several minutes of coffee, it seems reasonable to charge $0.99 for several hours of entertainment.

    Unpersuaded? Then consider our motivation for making money. While some use riches to eradicate poverty or disease, we hope to rid Earth of something worse: mullets. With billions of dollars, we could air public service announcements explaining how terrible mullets are, how they're worse than wearing socks with sandals or screaming, "I object!" at your best friend's wedding. Remaining profits will go toward eradicating Priceline Negotiator ads and toward buying every motorcycle ever produced so Kanye and Kim cannot traumatize us again.
  2. Fan or foe of skinny jeans?
    Foe. Big time. Like Superman vs. Lex Luthor. Mortal enemies.

    We loathe skinny jeans for two reasons: (1) we can't put them on; and (2) we can't take them off. Our thick thighs and big buttocks get in the way. After 10 minutes of struggling and straining, we might have them down to our thighs, then our knees 10 minutes later and finally off after 30 minutes, at which point, we are so frustrated that we have probably yanked off our socks and underwear, too. The only redeeming quality is that we burn 500 calories in the process.

    Skinny jeans are a global conspiracy to make men empathetic. We men don't identify enough with the sacrifices women endure to look attractive. The diets, the suffocating bras, the painful heels. We take it for granted, so women everywhere hopped onto Google Plus (because no one uses it) and hatched a diabolical plan to share the pain. To make us understand. Man bras are next. They will promise fuller and more shapely pectoral muscles but feel as comfortable as a boa constrictor wrapped around the chest. Look for mras starting in the winter of 2014.
  3. What is the lunar calendar?
    We are about to reveal a major secret. The whole "lunar calendar" thing? It's a sham. Invented by China's first emperor as a ploy to confuse Westerners, it was introduced because Qin Shi Huang was late on a shipment of silk.

    Dumb Westerner: "Emperor Qin, today is the date of the silk shipment. I presume it is ready."

    Emperor Qin (nervously): "You meant August 3 on the solar calendar?!? My bad. We were going by what we Chinese call the lunar calendar. Expect it later this week. In the meantime, enjoy some dim sum and one of my concubines." (Chris Rock, Chris Rock!)
  4. If you could ask anyone one question, what would it be?
    We study history and analyze current events, from instability in the Middle East to quantitative easing in the US. So naturally we want to ask Robin Thicke, "What *does* rhyme with hug me?"

    We're undeniably smart. We get almost every question right on the TV show, "Are You Smarter Than A 7-Year-Old?" meaning we're as smart as 7-year-olds, maybe even 8-year-olds. Yet we're stumped by Robin's haunting question, "What rhymes with hug me?" Is it "tug me" (seems possible); "bug me" (seems possible for married couples); or "drug me" (seems possible for convicted felons)? What's the ANSWER?
  5. Boxers or briefs?
    Boxers. We wear only boxers. Started with tighty whities in elementary school (Asian parents, hello) then flirted with boxer briefs in the 10th grade before settling down with boxers. If you must know, we like our boxers plaid. Not striped. If you just imagined scrawny engineers in plaid boxers, we apologize in advance for the weeks of nightmares and the trail of vomit trickling down your shirt.
  6. Why can't Asians drink?
    Scientifically speaking, Asians lack the enzyme, alcohol dehydrospoof (ADH1S), for metabolizing alcohol. Spoofly speaking, not all Asians are poor drinkers. Koreans, for example, are like the Irish of the East and have high tolerance. If averting World War III depended on Asians winning a drinking contest, you would pick Koreans. Not Chinese. One beer, maybe two, and we're done. Maybe even after one whiff of cognac. Sadly, we are cheap dates. And not even Chipotle cheap. McDonald's-value-meal cheap. :(
  7. OMG, you're so racist. You disparaged 1 billion people. Let me pray for your salvation.
    By the Chris-Rock/black-comedian principle, we're allowed to mock Chinese people, and sometimes Mongolians, without upsetting anyone since we're Chinese ourselves. If you're still upset, well, go &!@% off. Or as the Chinese say, go do some calculus. Please don't take us seriously.
  8. Chinese kids are cute, but whatupyo with rice bowl haircuts?
    The ugly haircuts are about promoting harmony, underscoring how everything in Chinese culture revolves around the family unit.

    Rice bowl haircuts are like frat hazing -- but for families. The humiliating experience is designed to bond siblings together and with their parents. To foster unbreakable relationships that withstand hardships like famine, Dad's bathroom bombs, and Facebook outages.

    The flip side is not every child advances beyond hazing. Much like a frat, only the best pledges move on. The weaker ones are shipped to Foxconn for a lifetime of iPhone assembly. When someone from China claims to have two kids, it technically means two children have passed initiation while others may be in trials. To demonstrate your mastery of Chinese culture, next time you see Chinese parents, ask them, "How many children do you have?" Then follow up with, "Marvelous. And how many are in trials?"
  9. If your homeboy Confucius were alive today, would he still be a philosopher?
    Nope. Not practical. Then what ... poet? Physicist? Reality TV star? All reasonable guesses, but all wrong. Confucius would be a rapper. He would be the Chinese version of Biggie.

    Spoofly speaking, Confucius meets many rapper prerequisities: tons of groupies (in his time they were called concubines); poor English grammar; excessive jewelry; and, of course, inspires people with words. All he needs are a few gold teeth, a pimped out ride, and a stupid-smart name like con.fu.zius. Instant stardom.
  10. You're Chinese ... can you teach me kung fu or ask your cousin Jackie Chan to sign an autograph?
    Of course! But please don't sterotype us and cousin Jackie. Take a moment. Learn about the people of China. We are much more than kung fu.

    Ping-pong may be the national sport, but calculus is the national pastime. Chinese noses can support 100x their weight without fracturing. Perfect for wearing thick, ugly glasses or balancing textbooks when a backpack gets full. Fried rice only accounts for 90% of our meals; the other 10% is chow mein. We are reserved and quiet mostly because we are reserved and quiet but also because it is the secret to amazing complexion. No laughing, no wrinkles. We laugh on the inside, silently. Especially after a good joke on the SATs or Stanford. And the most special day of the year in China is neither Christmas nor New Year's, but August 3. Also known as the birthday of the TI-82 calculator.
  11. Who are you?
    We are men leading double lives. During the day, we direct two of the world's most prominent symphonies. But our favorite musicians are ... Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. There. We said it. Sometimes we even wear Bieber t-shirts under our tuxes. The guilt haunts us every day, but we cannot quit them. Help.
  12. Why can't Asian dudes grow facial hair?
    We're delighted to debunk another myth. Asian dudes, in fact, can grow facial hair. All you need to do is look carefully. Very carefully. Sometimes with a magnifying glass. It's almost like a game of "Where's Waldo," only instead of searching for a scrawny guy in red, you're searching for a scrawny hair in black. The average Asian male grows about eight facial hairs, maybe 12 if there is some Italian blood in the family (20 with Indian blood).

    Which is why most companies around the world are giddy about the rise of the Chinese middle class and profitting from 300M new consumers. Not Gilette and Norelco. They're screwed, and they know it. Here are the key risk factors their CEOs outlined on a recent conference call: (1) sustained increases in pension costs may harm profitability; (2) legal compliance risks may limit product innovation; and (3) we are royally f***** if Chinese males don't start growing more facial hair.
  13. Is Hong Kong related to King Kong?
    King Kong is the fictional gorilla monster that terrorizes New York City over a blonde girl the size of his pinkie. Hong Kong is a thriving country in Asia famous for delicious food, awesome shopping, and innovative financial services. So the only credible answer is: yes! Why, yes, of course. Spoofly speaking, Hong Kong means "Home Of Kong" in Kingkongese and is King Kong's natural birthplace.
  14. Why do Hong Kong lawyers wear white wigs?
    Cultural experts maintain that wigs stem from Hong Kong's stint as a British colony. We maintain that it's because Chinese people love Beethoven and want to look like him. To the Chinese, Beethoven was Justin Bieber before Justin Bieber. His mere presence sent teenagers into a tizzy, and blasting Symphony No. 5 was how people got hyped before an exam or big war. More kids, we believe, would be named Beethoven if Chinese parents could pronounce his name instead of making it sound like "meat lover".
  15. Why do you mention Hong Kong so much?
    Because we are Cantonese, have family roots there, and would like people to learn more about the country and its culture. Also because we have crushes on TVB celebrities, Linda Chung and Ella Koon. :)
  16. You sound cute. Can we see your picture?
    First, this question registers a 6.8 on the crazyquake scale, so no. Second, we promised Brad Pitt and George Clooney we would never publish pictures of ourselves and steal their spots as the world's best looking men. We are that good looking.

    In fact, we heard people gushing earlier today about how handsome we are. The exact words were, "Those Panabee boys are so hot. Sizzling hot. They melt the Earth around them and make Brad Pitt and George Clooney look like gnomes." Yes, our employees say this all the time -- every two weeks, actually -- because otherwise they don't get paid.